So several months ago, while we were just starting out in this crazy journey of adopting our son, I wrote this blog post about what NOT to Say to People who are Adopting.  I realize that adoption has been around for a long time, but unless that you are IN the process, someone in your family is adopting, or a good friend is, it is hard to know what to ask or in this case, what NOT to ask! I know that every question that we get, truly comes from the heart of our family and friends.  That is why we want to try to educate our circle while we are ALSO learning about how to be adoptive parents.  Also, we don’t want asking about our adoption to be this forbidden topic. We are proud of our adoption story, and want to share it.  However, there is a time, a place, and a way to ask, learn, and gain knowledge about our process.

So here is PART 2:

1. Why was he given up for adoption?

This is just intensely personal, and unfortunately, we were not and are not able to talk to Davis’ birth mom so we don’t know all her reasons. Adoption is a messy and private process that we just don’t need to talk about outside our family.  What we do know is for Davis’ ears first, and then it becomes his story.  His story to know, his story to share.  And this might just be me, but I hate that phrase “given up.”  I don’t believe for one second that she just gave him up.  She made a decision. She made a heart wrenching decision for her son to be adopted. And that is beautiful.  I will be forever heartbroken for her and forever grateful that she chose this path for her son.  This path that will lead us to him.

2. How much did it cost to adopt him?

This one doesn’t bother me quite as much.  But what does bother me about this question is it sounds like my child was just some purchase I made.  Like we went to the store and got to pick out our child, and just pay for him.  Babies are expensive.  We all know that. In adoption, there are costs involved, like fees to the adoption agencies and attorneys to cover legal fees and social work services in completing adoption.  The cost is not payment for a child.  If you are interested in learning more about the process, a perfect question would be this “I’d love to adopt, but worried I can’t afford it.” Or “We’d love to get more information about the process and costs, how did you get your information?”

 3. Where are his real parents?

And the simple answer to that is, WE are his real parents. When I’ve gotten asked this, I think what most people are wanting to know is where are his birthparents. And a lot of this goes back to question one.  What we know and what we are telling is his birthparents are in South Korea.  He is currently in a foster home getting loved on and cared for by an amazing foster mama. We are waiting for the day that WE get to be the ones loving on and care for him. Oh and I cannot wait for that day!

4. Why are you adopting from Korea (insert any international country) when we have so many babies/kids that need families here?

From the beginning we said we don’t care what our family looks like, we are just ready to start our family.  We prayed long and hard about domestic adoption vs international.  We researched both, talked to adoptive parents, spoke with our social worker, and decided that we would do to do a duel path.  We prayed that God would show us where our baby was.  We were seeking to bring home the very child God created for us and our home.  And we are trusting God to fully equip us to be parents that He created us to be.  God led us to South Korea because that is where our baby is.  Period.

5. When did you start your adoption process? (December) Wow, you haven’t had to wait long!

This one has been getting me lately.  For two reasons, one, we don’t have him yet.  Everyday that passes seem like a week with no news. And everyday that passes is another day without him.  We have no idea when we will get to travel. Let me say that again.  We have no idea when we will get to travel. We have our son, but no idea as to when we will get to be together as a family. The second reason is that we have been wait for our family to start for 4 years now. It has been a long 4 years. And we are as ready as any new parents truly can be.  So while compared to some families in the adoption journey it might not seem like a long time, but to us, it feels like an eternity.

Again, we are learning right along with everyone else about adoption, but while we are here, and while we are being so open about this process, we might as well take the opportunity to share what we have learned this far! It has been a crazy, long, emotional ride so far.  We expect to get more questions, and please, we want to share our journey.  Truly we do, because if we can help one person on their journey to start a family, then that is wonderful! I am here to talk. I am here to help. I might get a bit emotional, but if you are okay with that, ask away! If you aren’t ready for me to have an emotional break down in publix or the gym, just ask to see his latest picture, and ohhh and ahhh over how incredibly precious he is

Thanks for listening folks to the latest Texture Tuesday!

I am reposting and sharing this blog post.  This post was the first post that I have read that made me feel not so alone in this period of waiting.  And somedays if feels like a never ending period of waiting.  The first time I read this (shared with me by our social worker, Stephanie!), I wanted to jump up and down and scream, “YES!! Someone knows and understands how I feel, how crazy, how lonely, how anxiously we are awaiting any ounce of news! I am not alone!!” And feeling not alone in this process is amazing.  After reading 211 comments on this one blog post, it just reassured me that we, adoptive moms waiting for our babies across the world, are not alone.

Here is the original post. I feel that she wrote directly from my heart and soul, directly from a place that I have struggled to put into words.  She did it for me.  So please take the time to read to the very end.  It is long, but so amazing.  To all my other waiting mama friends, isn’t it wonderful to not be alone in these feelings?

dear friends of waiting adoptive moms: some things to know (also, we’re sorry)

1. Your friend is not crazy. (She is adopting.)

There is, I will admit, a fine line between those two but still it’s good to remember. The international adoption of a child requires enough paperwork to kill a small forest. And more governmental red tape than you can believe. Imagine your longest, most frustrating trip to the DMV. Now quadruple that, add in twelve more governmental agencies in two countries, and remember it’s not a driver’s license you’re waiting for but the final piece of paper that says this family you’re creating can finally, finally be together. Yeah. Not crazy. But close.

2. She loves a child she’s never met.

It’s possible. So possible. It’s irrational and crazy but it’s reality. Does she love them like she will once she gets to know them? No. But she loves them. She wakes up loving them and goes to sleep loving them. She drives to the grocery story and aches to have them safe and snug in the carseat waiting for them. She pushes her cart around the store and hears a child cry and her heart pounds wondering if her child is crying? Alone? Hungry? She might even have to leave an entire grocery cart full of food in the yogurt aisle to go home and cry because it just is too hard. Way too hard.

3. It’s difficult having your heart on the other side of the world.

To people on the outside they don’t look like our kids, on paper they might not be our kids yet. But in our hearts we love these children like they are and yet we’re not together. We’re moms without children. It’s an ache that doesn’t go away. It starts before we see their faces and only ends when they’re in our arms. So we walk about with half our heart missing. It’s hard to breathe, to think, to speak. Something always feels missing. Because they are.

4. She is addicted to her email.

It’s okay. This is a temporary condition and most make a full recovery. It can be diagnosed by refusal to allow separation from her smart phone, or glassy-eyed concentration as she clicks “refresh” over and over and over on her computer. Other signs may include: waking up in the middle of the night to check because it’s X time over there, and muttering aloud “must get home, must check for update, must get home” while out in public.

5. Her child has been through trauma.

If she’s like a lot of moms she won’t be advertising that fact everywhere because she respects her child’s privacy. But children don’t come to the place of needing a second family because they were placed in a cabbage patch by unicorns and leprechauns. Adoption comes from loss. Loss she will see in her child’s eyes and in their heart. Loss that as a mama can make your soul curl up in a ball for an ugly cry. So don’t tell her the kids are lucky. You wouldn’t tell a person who lost an arm that they’re lucky to have a prosthetic one would you? I mean yeah, they are lucky to have that replacement. But you know what would be luckier? Not losing that arm in the first place. So please be understanding. Also, maybe instead of asking for her child’s story outright ask “are you sharing about his history before you?” That gives her a chance to either answer you or bow out graciously.

6. Adoption isn’t pregnancy.

It just isn’t. Well, it is in that at the end of it the hope is to have a new son or daughter in your arms. But I’ve yet to meet a pregnant woman who wonders how old her child will be upon entry into the family. Adoption is different. There is no due date for us. Let that sink in. No due date. And even given preemies and late arrivals with the baby by stork method you have a narrow months-long window of time in which the baby will arrive. That brings us to point number seven.

7. She probably doesn’t know when the child is coming home.

And she has probably been asked this approximately twelve times that day. Because you, her awesome friends, care about her! (And also you secretly worry she’s going a little nuts, see point #1.) And I get it. It’s hard with adoption because you don’t know what to ask. I feel that way with pregnant ladies, like what am I supposed to say? “Your ankles really don’t look that bad do they?” Recently I learned the always safe phrase “you look great – how is baby doing?”, the adoption equivalent is “I know you must miss your kiddos, how is the adoption going?” Or, if you don’t have time to have her break down and cry all over you try the even safer “can I see your latest update pictures?” and then ooh and aww over their cute faces. Even if the pictures are horrible say something positive. I mean I don’t tell people that their sonogram pictures sometimes look like aliens made of bread dough. (Except yours Amy B. Yours is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.)

8. She isn’t sure they’re coming home.

This is the part of the adoption process that makes you want to crawl under your bed and not come out until it’s safe again. This is the part that tears you soul in two. This is the part that you wake up in the morning remembering and going to bed at night fearing. Because there are no guarantees. And that’s hard. No, not hard. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s not just the fear that your child might die before having a family, it’s that this child you love with every ounce of your being might grow up in an orphanage, on the streets, or worse.

9. Your friend is kind of stupid.

I know. That’s harsh. But it’s true. You try operating on a daily basis with only half your heart and half your brain, because that’s what it’s like. ‘Cause they other half of you is wrapped up in a tiny person who is half a world and what feels like a lifetime away. Also, because of the time zone difference it means that half of you is awake pretty much all the time.

10. She doesn’t need to hear your HAS (horrible adoption stories.)

Yes, I know, everyone knows of someone’s uncle’s neighbor who adopted a child and then the child burned down the school with the power of her mind after her classmates dumped a bucket of pigs blood on her. (Oh wait, that’s the storyline of “Carrie” isn’t it?) But sharing these stories are the equivalent of telling someone hopping in a plane for their first sky-diving session “I watched this video on youtube where a guy skydived. He died. And his body was all smashed and stuff.” Maybe it’s true but it’s also not overly helpful. Unless you’re the kind of person who also goes up to pregnant woman and says “I read a book about this lady who got pregnant one time, she gave birth to a kid who became a serial killer and sewed a suit of clothes out of his victims skin. (Shoot, that’s the storyline of “Hannibal” isn’t it? Well, I tried.)

Do “Adoptive Kids” sometimes grow up and do horrible thing? Yep. You know who else grows up and does horrible things? “Vaginal kids.” So really, the warning should be more along these lines: “You’re going to be a parent huh? Good luck with that.”

11. She has probably done her research

Don’t assume she’s going into this because of a driving urge to be mistaken for Angelina Jolie. Unless she is also demanding everyone call her husband “Brad” it probably comes from some deeper place. Or you know, her husband’s name really IS Brad. Chances are she’s read books on adoptive parenting, has agonized for hours over which adoption agency to choose from. Made a decision. Then agonized some more. She’s thought about the ethical questions. And if you don’t think she has then maybe ask. “How did you pick your agency?” “What led you to X country?”

12. She looks brave on the outside, she’s brave on the inside too. But she’s also a mess

Which, I think is what mothering and loving is all about. Being a mess. Throwing your love out there and not knowing if you’re ever going to get it back. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. It feels like you can’t breathe and when you can it hurts to do it. And you don’t want to complain about that because you picked it. So you pick up the pieces of your heart and you keep going. You keep going because at the end of the day what you go through as an adoptive mother is nothing compared to what children go through when they live their life without family. And that’s what this journey is all about.

edited to add this note: When I hit publish this morning it didn’t occur to me that this post would spread so far beyond the small group of friends and family who read my blog. Beyond the group of women who’ve become my friends during this adoption journey and who helped me think of topics to add to this post. I’m honored that each one of you have come here and read my thoughts, and honored that you saw fit to share this post with your friends.For those of you who haven’t read posts before I’d like to offer links to a few that I believe will present a more complete picture of my thoughts on the adoption process.

Adoption is an imperfect answer to an impossible question. I happen to wish that all Babies could be raised by their first mothers & fathers, the people who brought them into this world, the people whose blood history they share. But we don’t live in a world where “shoulds” always happen. Life is messy and painful, life includes loss and heartache. And so adoption exists.

All throughout the process of adoption I tried to be careful about calling our life here “home” for Nat. Even on his birth announcement I put “together” instead of “home”. I’m not sure all the reasons for the hesitation. Certainly I thought it, I believed it, I wanted it. But I also knew it wasn’t. He wasn’t coming home, he was leaving home. Leaving home to come live in a strange place that yes, would eventually BE home. Sometimes I think I over think things.

I’m ashamed to admit this but way back when, shortly after we heard the first child we were matched with was dying, I wondered why our adoption journey had to be so hard. So painful and soul-rending. I wasn’t expecting a rose petal covered path but I was hoping that some almighty power would at least keep the thorny brambles cleared off of it. But here’s the thing: if there was any fairness in this world my children would never have needed me in the first place. And there is something quite horrific about the arrogance of believing that God would make this easy on me when it wasn’t easy for my children’s other parents.